Communication 101 – There’s levels to this: His Reality, Her Perception

Ok, ok….I know I’m late. I’ve gotten the emails, text messages and even a couple of calls reminding me of my promise to write weekly. I apologize for my tardiness. I sure hope you forgive me. Now let’s get started.

From now and throughout the month of February I have decided to do a series of blogs based on “Communication”, and the various levels to it. It is my hope that some will gain insight on how their current ways of communicating may not be working and as such may be causing conflict in their past, present and if not corrected future relationships. With that said, today’s level is entitled “His Reality, Her Perception”. Ready….here we go.

Let me start with a question for the men first, then the women.

“Men, have you ever wondered if the way you communicate leaves the door open for a woman to perceive what you’re saying completely different then how you’re saying it?”
“Women, have you ever stopped to think that maybe the way you perceive what men say to you is not necessarily the way he meant it, but more so the way you wanted to hear it?”

Take a few moments and let those questions sink in. Then read on as I explain how allowing levels of miscommunication or lack of communication, can lead to more then enough unnecessary issues in relationships of any kind.

Since we asked men the question first lets start with you. There has always been a constant saying that men talk less because they like to get straight to the point, say what needs to be said and then close the case and move on. While many women truly believe men don’t like to linger on various subjects too long (especially matters of the heart), they also believe that nowadays it seems men are talking very little as a result of trying to avoid topics altogether, or act as if whatever issue there may be doesn’t even exist in the first place, in hopes that it’ll just fade away. These same women, feel men would rather say little to avoid confrontation, or to be caught up in a lie. As a result of them feeling this way, many women become overly frustrated, because they feel what is important to them means little to their man. This oftentimes leads to some form of confrontation in the relationship; meaning she stops talking and gets an attitude, or she yells in hopes that you will hear her. She may also begins to nag, or whine and for the ones with some growing yet to do, she may even begin to act out, or seek attention or that conversation/communication from someone else waiting and willing to listen.

So the question then becomes why men are you not willing to communicate with her in a format that she understands, to avoid all this? This is the question I asked a few of my male friends recently to gain some perceptive. The answer I got from the majority simply put was men communicate in a way that I would just call “honesty without hurting”. What does that mean? Well I’m glad you asked. Ladies listen to me very carefully here; the male species it seems would rather keep the tides in their relationships as calm as possible. And when I say relationships I mean husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, side chick and/or hookup. In their minds the way to keep the tides calm is to avoid telling you EXACTLY how they feel. Why won’t they, you ask? Because, in their minds telling you EXACTLY how they feel, opens the door to long drawn out discussions and debates, tears on your end, betrayal, according to how you see things, confrontation and ultimately a level of hurt they just can’t seem to bring themselves to being responsible for. This is what they are thinking would happen if they told you EXACTLY how they feel about things. Even when you stress to them you want nothing but the cold hard truth, and when you tell them you are grown and can handle it. In their minds they are constantly saying “No she can’t”, and as such they’d rather just take the brief attitude or argument you two would have. They’d rather you just take the night off and go out with your girls and male bash all night, or they’d even take you ignoring the hell out of them for a few days. Hell in their minds that’s a whole lot better then dealing with the EXACT TRUTH they’re really thinking, but dare not speak on. And after it’s all said and done the mind blowing makeup sex is well worth the brief disagreement anyway. So alls well that ends well, right men?

Now ladies your turn. Women have always been the more in-depth of the two species. Women take time to actually think about situations and issues before we even bring the topic to men. We are very well known for having an entire discussion completely with ourselves, as to how we think the discussion with our man SHOULD go, before we actually have it with him. As such, when we do approach a topic or issue with him and it doesn’t go how we expect it SHOULD, what happens is we no longer hear what he’s actually saying at all. Instead we are trying to reformat what we thought he SHOULD have said, so that our mental communication still flows how we set it up to go in our minds. This ladies and gentlemen is a form of perception. Many women approach communicating as a forum to either defend, or act on what they want out of a conversation. Rarely do we communicate with the intent to simply listen. As such we can’t understand or comprehend the LITTLE gestures he’s trying to express (without hurting you), because we are so busy trying to have our own agendas met. And then we wonder why men prefer to just stay quiet altogether.

Full Circle: To communicate is to express oneself to another, so that the recipient agrees, ACTS on the agreement and improves the universe (even if the agreement is to simply disagree). It doesn’t mean to talk, or to say something and the hearer says yes or no. She/He/It must respond positively and do something to get us out of the cancerous cycle that lack of communication or miscommunication, often finds us in.

MEN: you have to learn to understand that women need more then simplicity sometimes. They are not designed to always let it go or accept a half hearten truth. There are going to be times when you will have to honestly hurt her, to get her to fully understand where you stand. And yes we know, nobody with a heart likes to purposely hurt others, but in order to avoid that down the road conversation, that would ultimately hurt so much more, simply decide to be honest and real from the beginning and at all times. Trust me a true woman will respect, accept and appreciate you that much more for doing so. And trust me again…if she doesn’t, you don’t want or need her in you corner anyway.
LADIES: We as a species, have to learn how to effectively LISTEN. Sometimes (hell oftentimes) men want you to be the one they can come and talk to openly and honestly, without regard or having to worry about backlash or you catching an attitude from what they have to say or tell you. However, rarely will you be that person if every time he does come to you, you’re finding a way to turn the discussion around to fit yourself in it as the victim or the person he’s doing wrong. Let your guard down some and get off the defense sometimes. And then when it’s your time and you need that level of deepness from him that he rarely exhibits, he will be open to going there with you. At least for a little while.
MEN & WOMEN TOGETHER: Always remember communication requires consistency.  And once you establish a level of communication that works for both parties, his level of reality and her level of perception can eventually become one in the same. NOT!!!! LOL!!! But it will at least be better then it was before.

But hey that’s just my opinion. Let us know what you think…

Until next time,

Bitchless

Break Up To Make UP…..How to stop the cycle

First off HAPPY NEW YEAR READERS!!! Second, just so you all know, I’ve decided I’m dedicating myself to at least one blog per week. Not promising a particular day at the moment, but you can expect to see me at least once every week. That said lets get started.

Today’s topic….Break up to make up…..y’all finish that hook for me please. I know you can do it, and not because you’ve heard the song before, but because we’ve all been in this particular situation at least once in our lifetime. Now before I go any further, for anyone reading this particular posting today, who hasn’t been through this, feel free to just read for fun or maybe to prepare yourself for when you are faced with this matter in the future. Now back to it we go:

“Break up to make up, that’s all we do, first you love me, then you hate me, that’s a game for fools”. Says it all right? You find the mate of dreams, or so you think. They’re handsome/pretty, funny, ambitious, great conversationalist, wants the same things you want, I mean the list goes on and on as to how perfect this person is for you. So of course, you go all in. Everything’s great. Dating, honeymoon phase, introducing each other to friends and family, petty disagreements that you end up laughing about before the day is even over, and eager to make up over, mini vacations, stay overs, constant communication, trying to surprise one another, favorite song and movie, etc, etc, etc.

Everything was great. One day as you’re sitting on your couch alone in the stillness of it all, and you’re thinking about all those great times mentioned above you find yourself asking yourself “what happened” or “how did get from there to here”? Here being the exact opposite of where you were in the beginning. Instead of dating each other you’re tolerating a once in a while outing. Petty disagreements are now full blown fights, that last for days, where words you never imagined you’d hear not only your mate say to you but you say to your mate. Mini vacations together turn in trips with the fellas or ladies only getaways. Trying to surprise one another, turns into “I gotta get them something because it’s a holiday”. Constant communication, becomes they talk, you react, or you talk, they defend. But clearly no one is listening to understand anymore. So again you ask yourself “how”? Well I’m glad you asked:

What happened was very simple. Y’all got COMFORTABLE!!! What do I mean by comfortable? Well after a while of actually being genuinely happy with one another, something in our twisted unusual brains allowed us to believe that everything that was done to get the person was no longer needed to keep the person. Appreciation for what you worked so hard to have flew out the window and all the good stuff went with it, including your happiness. In its place came basic, ordinary, run of the mill, “this is what everybody does” relationship woes.

In the mist of the transition however, you actually really did find yourself loving your mate. But you also begin to learn some things about them that didn’t tickle your fancy too much. And see this is what we do. When it’s all new and cute almost anything your new mate does is perfect and okay. Hell half the stuff you really don’t like you don’t even notice in the beginning because your nose is so wide open you can’t see the forest for the trees. It’s not until you have reached that level of comfort, that you allow what you knew in the beginning, but lovingly decided to overlook or deem “cute” to now bother you and decide to speak (or scream maybe) how much it rubs you the wrong way. And not only does it rub you the wrong way, you also want him/her to change or stop whatever it may be.

It is usually then that a layer of resentment is developed towards one another. Why? Because instead of discussing the issue(s), with a mindset of reaching an agreement and/or resolution TOGETHER, many of us instead just hold it all in. Well that is until an argument happens and then all the juicy BS comes out. (Side note – ladies I will admit we are more susceptible to this then men. But men in do it as well. They just don’t go back as far as we do). After the first level of resentment is established you find the next level is easier to add on. Example: You two have now been together for over a year. You have spent more time together then apart. So you feel that your partner should know you pretty well. So well in fact, that in your mind you don’t think you should have to communicate with them any longer, they should just know. Why? “Because you should know me by now”! How many of you have said that one, huh? (LOL). Understand me clearly when I say this, no one and I mean no one knows you 100%, expect you. Sure your mate knows a lot about you, depending on how long you’ve been together and how in tune they are with you. With that said, they are never going to get it absolutely right all of the time. And that could be for various reasons, such as the circumstances of the day may have left them off a little. Life has caused havoc to take over and they forgot. Or how about this one….YOU DIDN’T TELL THEM!!! Think about that one before jumping to they should just know you by now. Anywho, now you have another layer of resentment.

Before you know it you have so many layers of resentment, who has room for happiness? You no longer remember what happy even looks like, and as such find yourselves making rash decisions and mistakes that could very well end what was once a great relationship. So what’s left to do…..Break up right? I mean who wants to stay in a relationship where you no longer see the person you originally thought was the best thing since sliced bread. So you both decide to break up. This process may be drama free for some, and crazy for others, but you break up none the less. Now what? Well for many, you go through the break up phase. That’s when you try to do anything and everything under the sun and the moon not to think about him/her, but the more you try not to the more you do. I mean you go shopping and every damn thing you pick up reminds you them. You’re at home watching TV and everything that comes on were your favorites together. You decide to go out with your friends and every damn time you turn around you think you see them walking in the door! And LAWD don’t  find something of theirs in your house, it’s all over!! So what happens next? Come on now…You know what happens…. Some kind of way you two find a way to manipulate yourselves and/or each other into trying to pick back up where you left all. And guess what, there in lays the problem.

Have you ever wondered why or asked yourself before getting back together with someone, why would you want to pick back up where you left off? I mean really, where you left off wasn’t a good place in the first place, which is why you broke up! Why would you want to go back into confusion as if a few days or weeks away from one another solved anything? Or here’s another one: let’s just start over. Really people? You just gonna forget all the BS of the relationship, throw it all in the trash and act as if nothing ever happened and just begin again? Can I tell you something? It is when you allow yourselves to return to a relationship under such circumstances that you find yourself in the break up to make up phase. Reason being is you really haven’t taken the time to solve the issues that causes the break up in the first place. You basically just put a band aid on it when you take your little three day or two week breaks in hopes that it will heal all wounds and pain so that you can start again.

So instead of all of that, try this: here’s what you need to do to end the break up to make up phase, permanently. As two mature adults, you have to be willing to take the time to deal with the root cause of the issue by communicating, and then making a mature decision on how to move forward either together or separately. This my dear friends is called CLOSURE. It allows you to come to a resolve and an understanding on what cause you to reach such a level in the first place. This will also allow for a break up to either remain broke or allow for some real healing to take place so that what was once broken can be fixed for good so that same (or very close to) level of genuine happiness can find its way back, should you two decide to give it one last shot and remain together. Now understand, this is not something that will be successful in any format, if this is something only one of you is willing to do, while trying to convince the other one that it needs to be done. If you find yourself in that predicament, then a final break up is what is needed so that you can move forward and find you someone more on your level and vice verse.

Full Circle: In the end ladies and gentlemen relationships are hard work. Some are built to last and some are built simply to prepare for that one that’s built to last. With that said always keep these principles in mind. Relationships require dedication from both sides in order to work. Never allow yourself or your mate for that matter to become comfortable enough to permit what was once appreciated to begin to depreciate. Never allow the outside thoughts of others to invade the inner workings of your relationship. Make what you want to remain consistent a priority and it will never fail you. And finally always remember your relationship is only as sturdy as the foundation you decide to build it on.

But hey that’s just my opinion. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless

The Reason for the Season – Finding the Holiday Spirit.

First and real quick let me say I am so overjoyed to be back writing again. Prayerfully I will not cease in my attempt this time around. Now let’s get right to it.

So over this holiday season it has been very hard for me to “get into” the spirit. The year has been very challenging for me in many areas of my life. From family to friends to finances and even faith, every important aspect of my life has been and still is being tested in some format. So when what is suppose to be the happiest time of the year came rolling around “happy” was probably one of the furthest feelings I’ve had. And trust me it wasn’t for lack of trying to “get into” the spirit of the season either. I mean I wanted to be happy and jolly and festive…didn’t I? I mean the lights were up all around me and I would smile when I saw them; the music was playing on the radio and I would feel a spark while I was singing along; people were posting pics of holiday parties and gift exchanges at work and I would be happy for them and their moments of feeling loved; and oh goodness all the best holiday movies and cartoons from back in the day were coming on and I would get that giddy childhood feeling for about two hours while they played. So I mean I really was trying to “get into” the holiday spirit…wasn’t I?

The thing was though, after each of those many moments would come and pass very shortly there afterwards I would be right back in that good ole “humbug” spirit. It was like at times I would refuse to be happy. Like I wanted to stay stuck just so I could say stuff like “it doesn’t even feel like Christmas” or “I’ll be glad when December comes and goes” or “it’s just not the same anymore”….(who else has been feeling like that)?

It wasn’t until this past weekend that I finally decided to sit down with myself and figure out why I was “allowing” myself to feel like this. I begin to ask myself questions like; How many years have I been feeling like this? What sparked this sudden change that allowed these feelings to settle in each year? What could I do to change those feelings permanently? Wait, did I even want those feelings to change permanently? And I answered each of those questions in the same manner many of you probably would; I’ve been feeling this way since becoming an adult or since my kids became adults and traditions flew out the window. And of course I don’t want to continue each year like this but what can I do to really change them….

Then I begin to think outside the box and I asked myself one question that took me less then a minute to answer, but more then a few days to truly understand. That question was simply, what is the reason for the season? It wasn’t until after answering and fully understanding that very last question that I was able to not only find the spirit, but begin to share and spread that same spirit with others. See what I discovered is that while the spirit was never lost on the outside of me; I mean I still did all the things associated with the season that I would normally do, including shopping, planning the menu for my big Christmas breakfast, deciding if I was going to church for service Christmas morning etc etc etc; I realized that the spirit was misplaced  on inside of me. How? Well I’m glad you asked.

I realized that circumstances, situations and viewpoints sometimes has away of dictating our lives. And when those circumstances become the focal point of our day to day, when it comes time “get into” the spirit, it can be kind of hard to find, because we’re literally just too tired or frustrated to even dig through the rubles of our hearts and minds to locate those feelings and meanings of the spirit. And so as such we’ve “allowed” ourselves to just go through the motions without allowing the feelings to be included. We’ve “allowed” the emotions and the joy and peace and the love and kindness and true reason for the season to be packed away and replaced with good ole “humbug”. And we do this simply because we know if we search ourselves enough to find that holiday spirit eventually, it will go away and in its place the circumstances, situations and viewpoints that we have “allowed” to become our lives will return, and all we’ll have to show for it is empty wallets and high credit card bills. Right? I mean isn’t that what it boils down to for so many of us?

Well ladies and gentlemen I guess this is why GOD has blessed me with the gift of writing, so that I can tell you how wrong we all, who are feeling this way really are.

A few paragraphs ago I said I stepped outside the box and asked myself what was the reason for the season. And I know many of you are saying before you even read my answer that of course I’m going to say JESUS is the reason for the season. And yeah you’re correct HE truly is the reason for the season. But let me break it down for you a little more. “Getting into” the spirit of the season means “getting into” the spirit of JESUS. Therefore it’s not something we should have to debate or decide to “get into”. It is however something we should push our way to and be determined to continuously “be in”. It is when we are “out of” the spirit that circumstances, situations and viewpoints, become negative and dictate our lives. We have to know and understand, that the reason for the season is the climax and all around celebration for the birth of JESUS. But it is also a celebration for HIM being the reason for our lives overall, meaning our day to day, our hour to hour and our minute to minute. So how dare we be so stubborn, and dare I say selfish even, to purposely stay stuck and/or stagnant to the point where we refuse to search through the rubble of our hearts and minds and find the joy that HE placed in us to celebrate not only HIM but also our own lives and the lives our loved ones here on this earth.

We are blessed beyond measure and it is our duty as HIS children to be thankful, happy, determined, caring, loving, and grateful, because that is what HE intended for our LIVES to be! And not just during the holiday season, but all year round. And so when the holiday season does come around having to “find” or “get into” the spirit won’t be necessary…..Because you’ll have “allowed the joy of LIFE to already be there waiting and excited to see the reason for the season arrive.

Full Circle: Life for many can be a challenging task, and not just during the holiday season, but all year around. But understand that is not GOD’s will for your life. There is verse in the Bible that says, “So a man thinketh in his heart, so he is”(Proverbs 23:7). And basically that means you are what you allow yourself to be. So from this day forward allow yourself to be happy. Find little things that make you happy and do them continuously. Create new traditions or restart those old ones for the holidays, that make you smile and genuinely joyful. Bless someone with a word of kindness each day. Sow a seed in the life of someone who you don’t know. Be a friend to someone who you know needs a real friend. Seek to follow your true dreams even if it takes your whole life to accomplish. But whatever you do, be determined to be happy while doing it. And then you won’t have to worry about finding or getting into the spirit, because spirit will find and get into you.

But hey, thats just my opinion. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless

The Balancing Act

Before I start this post, let me just say I have missed you guys and gals. It’s been over a year. Can’t believe it’s been that long, but it has. I know I’ve said it before, but I will try to stick to it this time. I will do my very best not to go away for that long ever again. Okay, now that that’s out of the way, onto the topic at hand.

One of my favorite quotes to live by is “Live, Love, Laugh”. It says so much, with so few words. It means many thing to many people. But there is such a challenge for so many in trying to do just those three little words consecutively in ones life. Don’t you agree? I’m sure some you do, while those who like to debate with me will say something to the effect of “No it’s not hard at all. All you have to do is think positive and have faith, and believe that everything will work out in life”. etc, etc, etc…. Well if you know me at all, you know I’m so glad some of you choose to disagree with me so often. otherwise what would I have to write about. Let me prove my point.

“Live, Love, Laugh”. Great statement. Motivates people when they hear it, at least for the first ten minutes or less after they hear it. Makes you feel bubbly inside. You think for few moments that that’s exactly how your life is, or should be. Then reality sets in (or back in for some of us). Pay attention here:

Live – Of course we all do it in some format everyday. I mean we open our eyes and breathe in new life each day we are above ground. So that in and of itself is a form of living, right? So in a sense this is the easiest of the three to do, as it comes naturally. Or does it? I mean sure you wake up everyday and breathe in new life. You go about the aspects of your daily living and see and talk to those around you. You deal the hand you are dealt (well most of us do) whether we like it or not and proceed accordingly, Right? But are you really living? I mean do you wake up with a smile on your face and thank GOD for another day? Do you welcome life as it is with a promise to yourself each day to make it better as you live in it? Do you experience the people you have in your life or just deal with them? Do you feel like what you have in yourself is a gift, or are you living what you believe is a curse bestowed upon you, for you to just live with? Think about it for a minute. Ponder what you feel each day. Some days surely being better then others; like when you know something good is going to happen in your life, or you are reaching another milestone etc. But shouldn’t those feelings you feel when those once in a while instances of overwhelming joy occur, be an everyday way of living? Isn’t that what you want for your life? Because in regards to this quote, That is what they mean when they use the word LIVE.

Love -If you are a faithful reader, then you already know I discuss this word often. But for the newcomers let me elaborate. Love by definition in the English Dictionary means “to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection toward someone or thing”. Cute right? Very short and to the point. If you “feel” this way for someone or thing, then you yourself have experienced what the world considers to be love. Now how many of you agree with that one? I bet not many. Because if you have ever truly experienced love, then you know all too well, that, that little clip of a “meaning” didn’t mean crap when it comes to love. To have truly loved you have experienced something that can’t be defined. It allows you to evolve into another form of ones self. You see, do and act on things you never would have seen, done or acted on before. Love it in truest form comes without explanation, but rather with an expectation of fulfillment, joy and an overall euphoria that cannot very simply be put into words. Now again I ask is that the way you feel on a daily basis. It that what you feel you exhibit to others and feel in return from those same individuals day in and day out? Because that again is what I’m sure they mean when they say LOVE.

Laugh – Easy right? I mean who doesn’t laugh everyday? At least once a day, I can’t think of a single time I haven’t laughed at least once or twice everyday of my life. Even on my worse day, I can think of something to laugh about. But is once a day enough? I remember hearing a statement that says “Laughing is soothing to the soul” or Laughing keeps you young”. But sometimes if you are honest with yourself, while they say laughing is the best medicine, it’s not always the easiest pill to swallow. Why, might you ask? Because finding the space in a broken heart to fill with laughter after having to deal with so much sorrow can be like looking for a needle in a haystack. When dealing with situations that life has dealt you, sometimes laughing while to some may seem like the easiest thing to do (crack a smile here or giving a chuckle there), is no more real then that the fake sound that comes from your mouth when you give that little chuckle. But in essence in regards to this quote, laughing is something you are suppose to do daily, with vigor and excitement. It is something that should be as natural as breathing in the new day. That’s what LAUGH means in this quote.

Full Circle: To Live, Love, Laugh in this world at a level that is described in the three areas above, is to be completely balanced in your life. That is something we all wish for, hope for and desire to have one day. And from one day to the next we may have just that from time to time. But let’s be honest, that is not always the case. Balancing your life at a level that this type of quote expects you to, can be done, but only with persistence, determination and continued effort at making it a reality. If you can’t speak into your life what you want out of it, then balancing your life is going to be one hell of a battle. The world in which we live in can be brutal on us, if we allow it to be. You have to ask yourself, “are you worth the fight”? Do you deserve to be completely fulfilled in every aspect of your life? What is your worth? Is settling an option? Until you can answer those question with at least a level above that which you are currently comfortable with, then balance is a long way off. You can’t be balanced if you know how to live, but not love or laugh. Or you know how to laugh, but hold back from loving completely. You can’t be in balance if you allow another element to lack because of fear, or unwillingness. It’s okay to say you are unbalanced….as long as you can say after that….”but I’m a work in progress”. And then smile afterwards. It can be your first step in learning The Balancing Act.

But hey, that’s just my opinion/ Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless

The Advancement of Segregation – Is it as bad as it sounds…..

Recently an article has been brought to my attention about African American students being separated from their peers, in an effort to boast test scores. The title of the article was “PA School to Segregate Black Students to Improve Academics”. Okay whose blood immediately started boiling after reading that title? I can honestly say, without thought mine certainly did. I jumped instantaneously on the defense and was ready for war. I almost didn’t even read the article, because  I was so ready to quote the Civil Rights Movement and how our people had to fight to get us away from segregation and here we are in 2011 reverting back to all we have worked so hard to get away from. Luckily, I decided to read on; and here is a gist of what I read.

• In Lancaster, PA, there is a school that bases its foundation on diversity. The school however, has noticed a huge drop in test scores where African Americans students are concerned. As such in an effort to assist in bringing those scores up, one of the schools Instructional Coaches suggested trying out an experiment based on a study she’d read about. The study showed that if you grouped African American students together based on their gender, and placed them with a strong role model of the same race and gender, those students seemed to do better overall regarding academics. The Coach ran this by the Principal, who agreed to give it a try. As such, African American students are placed together 6 minutes each day (for homeroom) and 20 every other week (for an extended homeroom). During this time, they are mentored to and given tools of success in areas relating to them. The students and faculty have found this to be an effective process currently, but have come under harsh criticism by outside sources.

After reading more into the reasoning for such an act as segregating the students, I decided to probe a little deeper into this idea. I did this because I wanted to give a full view of what the intentions of the school are and how relating such acts to segregation during the Civil Rights Movement may or may not be the proper approach.

To many I am sure when you hear of anything involving African Americans being isolated or separated from others, it immediately throws up a red flag. It draws many back to the days of unequal rights and it leaves a bad taste in our mouthes. That is a very justified response to have, and is clearly understood. However if we are to look past the past for just a brief moment and into the future, we have to be realistic about what is happening with the African American youth of today. Now I am sure many will say, it’s not just African American youth that are in trouble, and you would be correct. But if we could get off the defense for just a minute and pay attention to the facts, then we would have to agree that while it is not just the youth of the African American ethnicity, they are a large majority of the make up at the present moment. If you don’t believe, please take a look at the statistics below:

Males

• 1980 – 143,000 African American Male Inmates in Prison vs. 463,700 African American Males enrolled in college
• 2003 – 791,600 African American Male Inmates in Prison vs. 603,032 African American Males enrolled in college
• 2008 – for every 100,000 African American males 4,777 of those same males were incarcerated
• for every 100,000 Hispanic males 1760 of those same males were incarcerated
• for every 100,000 White males 767 of those same males were incarcerated

Females

• 2000 – for every 100,000 African American women 380 of those same women were incarcerated
• for every 100,000 White women 63 of those same women were incarcerated
• 2007 – for every 100,000 African American woman 348 of those same women were incarcerated
• for every 100,000 White woman 94of those same women were incarcerated
• 2008 – for every 100 African American women 1 of those same women were incarcerated
• for every 355 White women 1 of those same women were incarcerated

Now while those numbers may be jarring to some, and debatable to others, I am sure that we can all agree that our penal institutions are being built not for our White and Hispanic counterparts, but rather to prepare for what they anticipate African Americans to produce. They are banking on the African American youth of today to assist them in the 50 billion dollar a year business of incarceration. And why not? Here in Baltimore MD, the dropout rate for African American youth is at 50%. That means only half of the youth entering high school in the 9th grade will actually walk across the stage 4 years later to pick up their diploma of completion.

So now to go back to the Lancaster, PA school that has offered an alternative to elevating the chances of assisting in such a bombing business, I ask is segregating such a horrible act. This school took it upon themselves to do SOMETHING to help their African American youth to succeed in boosting their Academic scores. Does it sound like something that will work? Maybe, maybe not. But they are trying. And that is what is key. At this point, talking about what to do means nothing if you are not willing to act on it. Our African American youth need our help. It is as clear as night and day or as black and white. We are failing them, because we don’t want to accept the hard core facts that we are setting many of them up for that failure. So again I ask, what is wrong with allowing our youth to learn from people they can relate to? What is wrong with receiving encouragement from people that are successful and have fought the fought and won, and actually are the same race and gender as they themselves are? Why is such a thing frown upon? Sure the method may seem unorthodox, but people have you looked around lately? It’s been more then a minute since we have lived in any other manner. At some point we have to be willing to step out of the box to get back what we have let go of. And if starting a program that may seem as though we are moving backwards to the outside world, but is actually producing positive results to those involved on the inside, why then are we downgrading instead of uplifting such an act? Sure there are great teachers of all races and ethnicity, and I applaud each of them. I welcome any person willing to help the advancement of all people educationally. But sometimes you have to address the need that is being ignored or has yet to be fixed in a different manner. It is not to look down upon the good still to be done, but it is to draw attention to what is not going so great presently.

Full Circle: There is a saying, that is if you want to see something you’ve never seen, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done. Our African American youth have never seen us band together to make a real difference in the lives of one another. I think it’s time we show them how it’s done. Let’s remember, we won’t always be here, and if we don’t teach them now, how will they teach the next generation later. I applaud that Lancaster, PA school for trying to better their African American youth “by any means necessary”.

But hey, that’s just my opinion. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless

P.S. I wanted to give a special thanks to Ms. Charro Jones for bringing this to my attention. (She knows I love a good debate).

Here is the link to the actual article:

http://newsone.com/the-education-zone/newsonestaff4/pa-school-to-segregate-black-students-to-boost-academic-results/

Links to statistical data gathered:

http://drugwarfacts.org/cms/?q=node/64

http://allotherpersons.wordpress.com/2009/11/03/factoid-black-male-incarceration-rate-is-6-times-greater-than-rate-for-white-males/

http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0881455.html

The X Factor “X = Alone”

Good Afternoon family. I know I have been away from you for a while. Please forgive my lapse in entries, as of late, but life circumstances sometimes play a part in my writing. Trying to work on that, as I have found that I don’t feel as great when I don’t talk to you all after a few days have passed. So I will try to do better, I promise. With that said, let’s get started.

The X Factor. The area of life many people do their best to avoid. The perimeter of life that people don’t know how to deal with. The circumference of life that many people have yet to experience at it’s fullest, because they are simply scared. That’s the X Factor. My question is why? Why are so many people afraid of that factor  X = Alone? What do you really think will happen if left to ones self? Well I’m glad you asked.

Being alone brings about many feelings and scenarios in people, that otherwise would not be the case if they are with someone. See when you are alone with self, you are given time to think, analyze and realize things about yourself and those around you. And let’s be honest, learning the true you, is not something many people like to experience. It freaks you out. It makes you consider that certain foundations of your life may have serious structural damage, that require attention. And if you actually decide that you agree that those damages need repairing, then the real work begins. That work is called growth.  And that is what really freaks people out. So let’s figure out why that is. As you read these points of comparison ask yourself, does any of them match your definition of X = Alone.

• A = Abandoned – Many people when faced with the realization of being alone,  feel an immediate sense of abandonment. They feel as if the whole world has left them hanging in the winds, waiting for that final push to just fall to pieces.
• L = Lonely – There is no worse feeling on this earth then that of loneliness. It grips you at your soul and can often times lead one into a state of depression, or directly into the arms of anybody waiting and willing. Often people dealing with the X Factor go through this stage because they feel like there is nothing else. Not true. More often then not you go through this stage because you forget who you have around you.
• O = Over – All you can think about is the who, what, where, when, and why’s of it being over. And when thinking in such a manner, you are often giving yourself the answers, as oppose to waiting and listening for the truth of the matter. People often block their own growth not trusting the power of patience.
• N = Nothing – Alone can make a person feel even less then nothing at times. This is because you are looking at the past instead of focusing on the results of moving forward. You get stuck in the wouldta, shouldta, couldta’s of it all. You can’t change the past, but you can rearrange the future whenever you like.
• E = Empty – Many people feel like life as they have known it was all there was. And when that life is swept away, it leaves an emptiness that is hollow, and without substance. But an empty space always means there is room to do with it what you want. Fill it with the happiness you deserve. Paint it with colors that create new memories and furnish it with people that cover and protect you in the end. Or you can just leave it empty, white, dull and sad. That choice is yours.

So take a look at that list, and tell me, have you ever felt that way after a relationship has ended? How about if the relationship hasn’t ended? How about if there never was a relationship to begin with? Have you ever felt such feelings about yourself? If we are all honest with ourselves, then the answer would be yes. Yes to at least one of those feelings. And if you said no, then this entry is especially for you. I say that, because if you can honestly say you have never experienced any of those feelings, then you have never taken an in depth look at yourself. You have blocked the reality of those feelings, because you are deathly afraid of what the experience of such feeling would be. And let me tell you from personal knowledge, it’s not a walk in the park. To examine yourself, and accept the fact of being alone, especially when it wasn’t something that you ever wanted, it is a heartache. It hurts and it can leave you feeling detached from even yourself. BUT, yes my friends there is a BUT. BUT, if you face the X Factor of X = Alone, and deal with the negativity of the word ALONE head on, you will soon determine that while those points of comparison may exist, you can do without them and even eventually replace them with these:

• A = Attractive – When you focus on you for a while, you find the beauty that resonates within YOU. You find the glory of self, which is so attractive to the opposite sex. Ain’t nothing on this earth like a man that loves being in a relationship, but is fine as all out doors without one. That swag is ridiculous.
• L = Loved – You find when you are alone in terms of relationship, you are in overflow with the love of true friends and family. They will come at the drop of a dime, or answer the call at 3am. You will eventually come to see and understand that you are truly LOVED.
• O = Own – When you are on your own and really okay with it you have found out that it’s not as bad as it seems, and even gratifying at certain points that you made it through and are able to smile that you have come into SELF.
• N = New – Being alone, allows you the newness of life that would not always be the case otherwise. You are allowed to discover and seek out that which would not normally be to your avail. A journey not always fun, but not always bad either.
• E = Evolve – The best time to evolve into who you really are or want to be is when you are alone. That is because you don’t have to prove or answer to anybody but you. You are able to grow and understand, and mature at levels and intervals that you set. And when you are ready to bring the next person into your world, you can without the pretense of expectations but rather the assurance of such.

Full Circle: There are very few people on this earth, that really truly want to be alone. Everybody wants somebody. But when you are faced with being alone, never misinterpret it as being lonely. Being alone means, to be with ones self. Being lonely means, a depressing feeling of being alone. Do you see the difference? If you are with yourself, who says you can’t be happy that way. Sure it may not be the condition or state in which you really want to be, but while there take the time to learn a little more about you. I mean if you were with someone new, wouldn’t you be doing  that exact same thing; Learning more about he/she? Of course you would. So why then don’t you give yourself as much time as you would the next person entering into your life? In the end I am sure they will appreciate the time you took to learn you, because it will make you appreciate them that much more. The X Factor is a part of life, but if you understand it, even if you don’t like it, you can grow from it.

Read the Lyrics as you listen to the song:

But hey that’s just my opinion. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless

“The Wire” – From T.V. to Reality

I have been thinking since the weekend on how to tackle this topic, and since I have never been the beat around the bush type, I have decided just to jump right in.

The senseless crimes that have been taking place across this country over the last few weeks are simply sickening. There are no other words in the English dictionary that can describe the nonsense that has been taking place. Over the next several days I want to focus my attention and hopefully your attention on what has been happening and how we can work to make some sort of change regarding it.

Today I want to start locally. I reside in the city of Baltimore. Yes the home of the World Renowned Cable Series  “The Wire”. The show that has depicted this city as vicious, heartless, and careless of its neighborhoods, communities and own people.  And to be honest, with the madness that is currently happening here, I would have to begin to agree that maybe the writers were on to something. Over the last three weeks alone, we as a city have experienced numerous acts of violence in the form of bomb scares, a missing teenage girl, and the senseless murder of a police officer and an innocent bystander at a local nightclub. And the question is why? What the hell are we as the residents of this city and even surrounding counties of Maryland doing, or rather NOT doing, that is allowing this to happen? When did it become okay to simply sit back and talk about the problems, shake our heads and then move on to the next topic? Something I am sure that won’t make us feel anything that actually requires action on our parts.

We are better then this people. The majority of individuals that are reading this blog are within the 25-45 age range. Therefore, I know the majority of us were raised in households with family that had to fight to get us where we are today. They had to protest, and sit in. They had to stand for what was right and never give up until what they wanted for their children and their childrens children were actually brought into existence. But not us. It seems that after our parents and grandparents did all the fighting for us, we decided that all we needed to do was sit back and reap the rewards. The days of raising  children has come second nature to enjoying partying and looking for constant fun. What is really good? When is enough enough? When do we stop talking about the violence and actually step up and do something about it?

Did we do this to ourselves? I bet that’s a question very few people would step up to the plate to answer. Well I will. We definitely played a hand in it. A pretty big damn hand if you ask me. We gave up people. We stop fighting. We thought we had arrived and all was well in the world. NOT!!! But that is only one of the many bad hands we have played in this nonsense we are living and creating daily. We stop letting the village raise the child. We stop expecting more from our children. We gave excuses like; The pressure of life is too much on them. The work we give them in school they are not ready to receive. They need incentives to learn. Let’s pay them to come to school and actually do the work needed to pass to actually become something in this world. WTF!!!!!!! Are we serious? We actually allowed the school system to now make D’s a passing grade in Baltimore City school systems! And we wonder why gangs are rampant and the government is building jails in preparation for our black boys and girls to fill up and even overcrowd before 2015. This is what we have allowed to happen to us. And now that the senseless madness that is happening in our communities are making headline news, we want to step up and shake our heads. I want to know when did shaking your head change a damn thing? It’s time to work people.

Over the weekend, we loss a Baltimore City Police Officer and a innocent bystander who was a father, semi-pro football player and engaged to married, shot and killed because of the reckless shooting of the Baltimore City Police Department. In addition to the two killed, four more were shot in the confusion, and for what? Last week packages that were set to explode when opened, were delivered to state office mail rooms, with the intent of injuring the innocent. And three weeks ago, a 16 year old teenage girl by the name of Phylicia Barnes turned up missing from her sisters home, and to this day there are NO LEADS on her whereabouts. And the question we have to ask ourselves is WHY? Here is the answer, because we are not doing anything about it. We sit around and talk amongst ourselves, but actually acting upon something is like speaking a foreign language that no one is willing or rather wants to learn.

Yes, I am talking about you, and you, and you too. But I am also speaking about myself. I too have been guilty of shaking my head and then changing the subject to avoid the feelings of sorrow that accompany such tragedy. But I have decided that I will stop just talking and start acting. I am tired of watching our generation and the ones to follow us drive themselves into a world of violence and death. I am in the process of meeting with a few groups that have already begin the process of trying to rebuild what we as a people have let fall. I want to know how I can be of any assistance in helping them further their cause. It is my hope that each person that reads this, would be willing to jump in and lend a hand, a financial contribution, be willing to forward an email, anything that can help us get back to being the people our forefathers fought like hell for us to be. You can actually start right now, by forwarding this blog posting to someone else. It takes less then two seconds to start the process. I am willing to join forces with anybody that has an idea that can help us in the process. Please simply send me an email at info@VirtuallyPerfected.com, or simply comment directly on this blog and I will reach back out to you ASAP.

It is time for a change. We have got to stop waiting on someone else to do for us and start doing for ourselves. For my readers who may not be familiar with the three incidents that I have mentioned in this entry, I have attached links about each below. If you are able to assist in any way, please do so. In addition, I wanted to also post some of the organizations that already out in the trenches of Baltimore City working to better their communities. If you would like to assist please contact them directly. I am sure they would be more then happy to hear from you.

I want to thank each of you in advance for your willingness to step up to the plate and accept the responsibility to make a change. You are a blessing to us all.

Here are the links to the articles on about each senseless crime:

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/baltimore-city/bs-md-ci-missing-girl-father-20110108,0,2736197.story

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/baltimore-city/bs-md-ci-friendly-fire-shooting-20110110,0,4108960.story

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/anne-arundel/bs-md-ar-mailroom-bomb-squad-20110106,0,2445422.story

Here are the organizations you may want to support.

1. Baltimore Rising Inc.

3939 Reisterstwon Rd. Ste 268, Baltimore, MD 21215

410-396-4274

contact@baltimorerising.org

www.baltimorerising.org

2. Save Another Youth Violence Prevention Program

443-392-5114

Contact Person: Rev. Willie Ray

3. Fraternal Order of X-Offenders

info@foxo.us

http://foxo.us

4. Jordan Taylor Brown Foundation

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jordan-Taylor-Brown-Foundation/115226425215310?v=wall

But hey that’s just my opinion. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless

The Politics of Love

To be honest. To be loyal. To be faithful. To be a good communicator. To be caring. To be understanding. To be a good listener. To be willing to learn. To spend time. To be protective. To know when to act. To know when to step back. To know when to stay. To realize when to let go. These are the Politics of Love.

Why the Politics you ask? Because it would seem that in today’s society for one to actually be with the person they love and/or want to love, before being allowed to do so they have to almost campaign for a certain time, proving that they are well versed in the areas mentioned. And if you are off in one or two areas then you are not deemed worthy to hold the position. Now don’t get me wrong, everyone who feels they are ready for such a position, should be qualified for it in some sense. Meaning you should be able to at least speak to and exhibit the behavior of someone fit for the spot you are running for. The problem comes when they are looked upon as needing to be perfect and have all the answers from the door. There is no room for mistakes and a learning curve is not an option. But here is the funny part, the person that really wants the position, the one that wants to love and be loved, is willing to be the perfect person with all the answers. They will present themselves as someone that can jump right in and handle the job assigned without question or mistake. Which is the beginning of the problem.

The candidate, if successful during the campaign could in all likelihood become victorious in their pursuit of love. And once they get it, the celebration begins. Everyone that was rooting for them are happy and congratulating them. The ones that didn’t want them to succeed are now throwing salt, and plotting on how to bring them down. They are ready to prove they can successfully hold down the position they have been appointed to by the person they have been campaigning for.  They are pumped and ready to make good on all the promises made. In the beginning everything is lovely. That’s called the honeymoon phase. All politicians go through it. It’s when everyone is understanding and carefree. The “oh we can get through anything portion”. After while the honeymoon phase begins to wear off and now it’s time to really get to work. This is where you begin to see the true elected official. What can they really handle? See because the person that the candidate was campaigning for had an agenda. And the reason they had an agenda is because they had been through bad, no good, sorry ass politicians before. This wasn’t their first dance at the rodeo. So they were determined that this time, if they were going to allow someone into their office of love, that person had to know the who, what, where, when, why and how of it all. They wanted to make sure that the job would be done and done correctly, without error, drama, problems, fear, negativity, opposition, and that they would never ever have to be impeached. They wanted to make sure that this candidate would be in office indefinitely. So here’s the question; Are you serious?

Full Circle: Yes we all want a great lasting relationship. We all want that honeymoon phase to last eternally. We all want to simply be who we are and loved by that one person because of it. GOD willing we will all have that someday. The issue is even if you happen to be one of the lucky ones and are blessed with that one, to expect that there will not be problems and issues within your camp, is to also be someone setting yourself up for disappointment and ultimately a failed relationship. Just like in politics we often set ourselves up expecting that the person we elect into office is without fault. And the minute something happens that we don’t agree with, or we didn’t expect to happen, we are immediately ready to run for the next candidate. When will we stop running, step up and be willing to get our hands dirty. Relationships require work. They are not to be left unattended and they are not meant to be perfect. In politics every bill signed into law had to go through a process. Everyone will not agree on every aspect of that bill, but after debate a few changes here and there and a willingness to get the job done, that bill will eventually be signed off on and brought into existence by those who have put in the work to make it happen. Relationships require that same motivation and determination. Love is about give and take. It is about sometimes putting yourself in the hands of another and trusting that they will have your best interest at heart. Sometimes mistakes may occur. But to truly love someone, just like in politics, you have to be willing to take the good with the bad and be willing to work it out. If not, you will find yourselves where many of our elected officials are right now, because we ran away instead of supporting and willing to work on a good thing. GRIDLOCKED!

 

But hey that’s just my opinion. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless

Un-equally Yoked – “Trying to Understand the Hand You’ve Been Dealt”

Let me start with the definition of this phrase both spiritually and figuratively.

Corinthains 6:14

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do the righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can  light have with darkness?” (NIV)

Webster Dictionary

Unequal – Badly balanced or matched — Yoke – to join together — So Unequally Yoked would be – Badly balanced or matched together.

I wanted to make sure I gave you real food for thought on this one. I decided to research this topic because again here we have a topic that is not vastly discussed. And I for one think if discussed on a more regular basis would in some way cut the pointless relationships that many of us spend time trying to “figure out”, and “work with”, and “put up with”, etc, etc, etc. So I’ve given you the spiritual and figurative definition of the term, now let’s talk about the reality of it all.

I’m going to be honest with you all, I have been battling with this topic since April of 2009. It was the last entry I had begin to work on when I stopped blogging last year. For a reason I was unable to explain then, I could not get it together and form the proper words to use for this one. I couldn’t find the answers within myself or even through outside research to execute what I wanted to say to my readers at that time. And so I stopped writing. I put the thoughts in the back of my mind and pen and pad in my bag. I walked away from what I loved and begin to do what I knew I could make money from but was not my passion. I rationalized that I needed to focus on what was going to help my career quickly and would make those around me happy. All the while I was slowly but surely becoming more and more unhappy with myself. Before I knew it, I had stepped into a world that while I will admit I am excellent at handling, didn’t feed me soul. I could and still can make it do what it do, but at the end of the day I didn’t walk away feeling like I had made much of a difference in the world. I had begin to lose me again trying to make orange juice with lemons. I had done exactly what so many people do in relationships. I had chosen a path that was Unequally Yoked.

Being unequally yoked with something or someone is a path chosen not given. When in this situation you are making decisions based on fact and not faith. You are not asking the Most High for guidance, but rather directing your own path. And oftentimes when this occurs you will eventually find yourselves on a slippery slope, or should I say badly balanced path to your own dismay.

In my case I knew what I ultimately wanted. I wanted to write. I wanted to write novels that had my readers begging for more. And at the same time making enough money that writing was no longer my hobby but my career. That’s what I wanted. And I wanted it immediately. Somebody was suppose to pick up my work, love it instantaneously and sign me to a book deal on the spot. Guess what, that didn’t happen. And why didn’t that happen? two reasons:

• What I wanted I wasn’t prepare for at the time – sometimes what you want your level of maturity is not ready to handle. I wanted to write a novel immediately, but had no clue how to proceed with such a huge undertaking. I was still wet behind the ears living in a fantasy world. And the minute things got serious and required some real time and investment and judgment of my abilities, I ran like Usain Bolt ran that 100 meter race for that 08 Olympic Gold Medal. You have to understand there is a learning curve in everything, but if put the cart before the horse and jump into something before you truly understand the reasoning behind it, you can quickly find yourself running for the hills just as I did. Ladies and gentlemen, your love of something or someone is rarely enough. In addition to love and passion, everything and anything worth having requires a level of understanding, time and investment. When given those things properly, more often then not, one will come to the realization that maybe the way in which I want something or someone is not the way in which GOD intends for me to have it.

• What I wanted I didn’t need – For me, writing drama filled fiction novels was what I wanted to do. I mean I just knew that’s what I was suppose to write about. It had to be, because I loved reading those types of novels. I mean I could read Wahida Clark and Terri Woods in less then a day and still have time left over to cook dinner for the family. So I just knew that was my niche in writing. Yet every time I set down to write, I could never get past line two. I never came up with a title, and my plots, well let’s just say I was better at reading others then I was at writing my own. So once again I left writing alone, and begin working at what I knew I could do well, which was helping others with what they wanted to accomplish. Hence Virtually Perfected. My virtual assistant business, where I help other business owners run and properly maintain their businesses. I’ve been at it for over 3 1/2 years now. Three and half years it has taken me to realize that what I wanted I didn’t need. Stay with me, why I break this down for y’all and bring it full circle.

There comes a time in life, that if we decide to pursue something or someone that is not for us, GOD will eventually allow us passage to do so. The Bible say’s “ask and ye shall receive”. So when you keep saying GOD this is what I want. I want this person, or I want this business, GOD will hear your cry and eventually give you the desires of your heart. You are happy for a moment, because you feel you are blessed with that which you asked HIM for. You get the woman/man you thought was for you. You get the business started that you thought you were suppose to be in. You buy the house that you wanted. You get the car that you’ve had your eye on forever etc etc etc. Then the troubles begins to mount up. The marriage has begin to fall apart, neither husband nor wife are happy. The business begins to have financial troubles. The house has structural damage from the hurricane. The car begins to have mechanical problems. And you are sitting in the middle of your living room floor wondering WTH (what the hell). You look up and realize, this is not what you asked for. But if you think back long enough, you will realize, not only was this what you asked for, it was what you wanted. You wanted the spouse, or the business, or the house, or the car, or maybe all of the above. The saying goes, be careful what you ask for….you just might get it. So the question then becomes was it what you needed?

Full Circle: For over 25 years, I’ve always known what I wanted. I have always wanted to be a writer. It is a passion that runs so deep within me that I crave it like an addiction. I’m almost sure that the way I feel when I’m writing is the way a drug addict feels when they are getting their high. But what I wanted in the format in which I asked for it, was not the way in which  GOD intended for me to have it when HE gifted me with the ability to write. (Unequally Yoked). I wanted to do fiction novels, based around nothing but entertainment. That’s not how GOD had intended for me to use my gift. (Unequally Yoked). So because I couldn’t have what I wanted the way that I wanted it, I thought I was no good at it and walked away to something else that I knew I could have and do well at. (Unequally Yoked). At this point I am so off balanced I’m just doing what I can so not to completely fall off the cliff. Then I saw the light. After being in business with V.P. for 3 1/2 years, I finally realized what it was really all about. I realize that my business of helping others and giving assistance and advice was what I was suppose to be  and needed to be doing.  Writing was what I wanted to be doing. When I join the two together I am fulfilling what GOD intended for me to do. So here I am “From a Bitch-less P.O.V. writing with a passion, to help others.

To my readers, sometimes what you want is not always what you need. At least not in the format in which YOU have decided you want it. What GOD has for you is for you, and HE will always give you the desires of your heart. But you have to understand HE will give them on HIS terms, not yours. If being married is what you want, wait on HIM to give you whom HE has created for YOU. If a business is what you desire, seek HIM for the way in which to proceed with that business, as oppose to trying to figure it all out on your own. GOD already has the answers, so why are we constantly trying to recreate the wheel. The Bible says, “seek ye first the Kingdom of GOD and his righteousness, and all other things shall be added unto you”. In conjunction with this topic, GOD is saying if you want it, come to me and ask for it, and then wait on me to give it to you. If you find that you can’t wait, HE will still give it to you, but expect some slippery slopes, or should I say some badly balanced paths to guide you towards that light.  Take it from someone who has been there. GOD will take through a whirlwind just to make you understand your time is not HIS time.

I really hope this message reaches you in the manner in which I was attempting to express it. Being unequally yoked can exist in so many areas of a persons life, and to truly gain a balance you have to come to an understanding of such. If you have any questions, about this entry, please don’t hesitate to ask. That’s what I am learning I’m here for.

But hey that’s just my opinion. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless

How Do You Prefer Your Coffee?

Hey all. I’m diving right in today, So let’s get it started.

On yesterday, for those who may not know, the trailer for Michael Baisden’s new documentary “What a Woman Wants” came out. I took a look at it, and found it to be rather interesting. However, although the trailer was well over 4 minutes long, if not longer, I honestly could not get past what I saw within the first 45 seconds of the piece. There was a posting that showed the percentages by race of how many women in America were single. And while I have known for some time that the numbers were high, you never would have been able to tell me those numbers would be at 70% for African American women! My mouth immediately dropped after reading this. I could not believe the percentage was that high. Now don’t get me wrong, the numbers were high for all races of women, but African American women topped out the list at a whopping 70%! So the question for me then became, why is that?

Apparently that same question popped into the head of Mr. Baisden, because his question was, is it because women of color refuse to date outside of their own race? And so I had to ask that same question. The response I got back was shocking, or at least it was shocking to me. I just knew when I asked that question everybody in my circle was going to say the same thing I would have said; something to the effect of “well I guess he is right, because I have never dated outside of my race”. Boy was I wrong. Every African American woman I asked this question to told me the exact opposite. They ALL had dated or even been in a serious relationship with someone outside of their race. So twice in one day I am floored with shock! Now let me stop right now and say this, see because I can see some of my readers already putting me in the racist category. Don’t go there. I, by no means have an issue with anyone dating whomever floats their boat. At the end of the day, if he makes you happy then by all means do your thing. I personally, have never dated outside of my race. And it’s not because I’m dead set against it, it’s just that I like what I like. And for me, it’s Black Coffee, no sugar, no cream. And if I’m find with your choices in life, I expect you to be fine with mine. Thank you.

Now that that has been cleared up, let’s move on. After getting over the initial shock of now knowing so many women I knew had in fact dated outside of their race, I then became intrigued with the experience of such. So I begin to ask more questions. What was it like? How did you meet? Do men of other races act differently in relationships then those of color? Why did you two break up? And yeah y’all know I had to ask, how was the bedroom activity? I had to ask….LOL. I don’t know what I was expecting to hear back, but I was ready for anything. But what I got back was, basically if you don’t pay attention to the color everything else is the same. Well almost everything. Some said men of another race often times came straight up and just begin a general conversation (not running game talk) and then proceeded from there. They said men of other races were more attentive then men of color, some of the ladies said they had more fun when they went out, because men of other races were so much more free and uncaring about what others thought of them. In the area of sex, well, okay the brothers still hold the gold metal in that area. But I was told that men of other ethnicity’s were willing to do certain things lonnnnggggg before the brothers would. Y’all use your imagination and figure that one out. When it came to the break up department, I was told long term was never really apart of the plan, or they just grew apart, or dude was a player and cheated on them. I see some things really are universal.

So, I guess there really is no drastic differences in dating someone outside your race in regards to the actual relationship. I am sure many thought to themselves a time or two what others thought, but generally they were happy where they were, so what others thought ultimately didn’t matter to them. So after discussing this topic in great length with people, I needed to understand for myself, why I had never even considered the option of dating outside my own race. See to me this was completely foreign. I told some of  friends, while discussing this topic, I felt like a straight kid on this one….the ones that don’t want to leave the room when grown folks are talking kind of kid. I later realized that I felt that way, because I never really had a real conversation where the topic was based around the black woman dating outside their race, but rather the black man. Reason being, many black men don’t care to talk about such topics of the sisters with anybody except the brothers. And so I wondered if that in fact had something to do with it. Could that be it? Could it really be that many black women don’t date outside of their race because it is frown upon by our black men? Even though it is something that we as black women see more and more black men doing themselves. Is it that we really don’t want to make the brothers feel less of a man by seeing their Mahogany, Mocha, Chocolate, Thick lips, Full hips, Thick thighs, Booty wide, Soul food cooking, Smart, Determined, Sassy all around Sophisticated Beautiful looking sisters on the arm of a man we never would refer to as……. Brother. Could it be that? Have we ever even considered that to be determining factor? Or is it just simply not your thing?

Full Circle: 70% is an astonishing percentage for the number of single African American women. And for many the reason simply could be because we won’t date outside of our race. The focal point that I found however is not so much the fact that we don’t date outside our race but yet the reason behind why we don’t. It is obvious that for those that have, have found that it really is no big difference. So, why then don’t we? After talking about this topic, and sitting back and re-evaluating for myself why I never even gave it a second thought, I came to this conclusion; If I am going to be honest then I would have to admit, that how I feel about my brothers does have something to do with the fact that I have never dated outside my race. But that is because to me ain’t nothing in this world like a strong black man. One that handles his business on all fronts (faith, family, and finances). That strong, powerful, protective, survivor against all odds, smooth talking, confident, make that one tear roll down the side of your face when doing his thing, the darker the berry the sweeter the juice, educated, hustling, MANDIGO WARRIOR BLACK MAN! Ain’t nothing in this world like him. I appreciate and love him. His opinion of me matters. Their worth to me matters. And so to me, why on earth would I want anything else? But that’s just me. So while 70% is astonishing, if you know what you want and understand why you want it, then please don’t settle because of the number. We are always told don’t settle for anything else in this world, why start now. For me I still prefer mine, black coffee, no sugar, no cream. For you a little sugar, a little cream may do it. What ultimately makes your tear roll, is all that matters.

(Please don’t take this piece below personal….but this my blog, so this is what I like. Not meant to offend, so if you take it some sorta way…okay)

But hey that’s just my opinion. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless