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Communication 101 – There’s levels to this: His Reality, Her Perception

Ok, ok….I know I’m late. I’ve gotten the emails, text messages and even a couple of calls reminding me of my promise to write weekly. I apologize for my tardiness. I sure hope you forgive me. Now let’s get started.

From now and throughout the month of February I have decided to do a series of blogs based on “Communication”, and the various levels to it. It is my hope that some will gain insight on how their current ways of communicating may not be working and as such may be causing conflict in their past, present and if not corrected future relationships. With that said, today’s level is entitled “His Reality, Her Perception”. Ready….here we go.

Let me start with a question for the men first, then the women.

“Men, have you ever wondered if the way you communicate leaves the door open for a woman to perceive what you’re saying completely different then how you’re saying it?”
“Women, have you ever stopped to think that maybe the way you perceive what men say to you is not necessarily the way he meant it, but more so the way you wanted to hear it?”

Take a few moments and let those questions sink in. Then read on as I explain how allowing levels of miscommunication or lack of communication, can lead to more then enough unnecessary issues in relationships of any kind.

Since we asked men the question first lets start with you. There has always been a constant saying that men talk less because they like to get straight to the point, say what needs to be said and then close the case and move on. While many women truly believe men don’t like to linger on various subjects too long (especially matters of the heart), they also believe that nowadays it seems men are talking very little as a result of trying to avoid topics altogether, or act as if whatever issue there may be doesn’t even exist in the first place, in hopes that it’ll just fade away. These same women, feel men would rather say little to avoid confrontation, or to be caught up in a lie. As a result of them feeling this way, many women become overly frustrated, because they feel what is important to them means little to their man. This oftentimes leads to some form of confrontation in the relationship; meaning she stops talking and gets an attitude, or she yells in hopes that you will hear her. She may also begins to nag, or whine and for the ones with some growing yet to do, she may even begin to act out, or seek attention or that conversation/communication from someone else waiting and willing to listen.

So the question then becomes why men are you not willing to communicate with her in a format that she understands, to avoid all this? This is the question I asked a few of my male friends recently to gain some perceptive. The answer I got from the majority simply put was men communicate in a way that I would just call “honesty without hurting”. What does that mean? Well I’m glad you asked. Ladies listen to me very carefully here; the male species it seems would rather keep the tides in their relationships as calm as possible. And when I say relationships I mean husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, side chick and/or hookup. In their minds the way to keep the tides calm is to avoid telling you EXACTLY how they feel. Why won’t they, you ask? Because, in their minds telling you EXACTLY how they feel, opens the door to long drawn out discussions and debates, tears on your end, betrayal, according to how you see things, confrontation and ultimately a level of hurt they just can’t seem to bring themselves to being responsible for. This is what they are thinking would happen if they told you EXACTLY how they feel about things. Even when you stress to them you want nothing but the cold hard truth, and when you tell them you are grown and can handle it. In their minds they are constantly saying “No she can’t”, and as such they’d rather just take the brief attitude or argument you two would have. They’d rather you just take the night off and go out with your girls and male bash all night, or they’d even take you ignoring the hell out of them for a few days. Hell in their minds that’s a whole lot better then dealing with the EXACT TRUTH they’re really thinking, but dare not speak on. And after it’s all said and done the mind blowing makeup sex is well worth the brief disagreement anyway. So alls well that ends well, right men?

Now ladies your turn. Women have always been the more in-depth of the two species. Women take time to actually think about situations and issues before we even bring the topic to men. We are very well known for having an entire discussion completely with ourselves, as to how we think the discussion with our man SHOULD go, before we actually have it with him. As such, when we do approach a topic or issue with him and it doesn’t go how we expect it SHOULD, what happens is we no longer hear what he’s actually saying at all. Instead we are trying to reformat what we thought he SHOULD have said, so that our mental communication still flows how we set it up to go in our minds. This ladies and gentlemen is a form of perception. Many women approach communicating as a forum to either defend, or act on what they want out of a conversation. Rarely do we communicate with the intent to simply listen. As such we can’t understand or comprehend the LITTLE gestures he’s trying to express (without hurting you), because we are so busy trying to have our own agendas met. And then we wonder why men prefer to just stay quiet altogether.

Full Circle: To communicate is to express oneself to another, so that the recipient agrees, ACTS on the agreement and improves the universe (even if the agreement is to simply disagree). It doesn’t mean to talk, or to say something and the hearer says yes or no. She/He/It must respond positively and do something to get us out of the cancerous cycle that lack of communication or miscommunication, often finds us in.

MEN: you have to learn to understand that women need more then simplicity sometimes. They are not designed to always let it go or accept a half hearten truth. There are going to be times when you will have to honestly hurt her, to get her to fully understand where you stand. And yes we know, nobody with a heart likes to purposely hurt others, but in order to avoid that down the road conversation, that would ultimately hurt so much more, simply decide to be honest and real from the beginning and at all times. Trust me a true woman will respect, accept and appreciate you that much more for doing so. And trust me again…if she doesn’t, you don’t want or need her in you corner anyway.
LADIES: We as a species, have to learn how to effectively LISTEN. Sometimes (hell oftentimes) men want you to be the one they can come and talk to openly and honestly, without regard or having to worry about backlash or you catching an attitude from what they have to say or tell you. However, rarely will you be that person if every time he does come to you, you’re finding a way to turn the discussion around to fit yourself in it as the victim or the person he’s doing wrong. Let your guard down some and get off the defense sometimes. And then when it’s your time and you need that level of deepness from him that he rarely exhibits, he will be open to going there with you. At least for a little while.
MEN & WOMEN TOGETHER: Always remember communication requires consistency.  And once you establish a level of communication that works for both parties, his level of reality and her level of perception can eventually become one in the same. NOT!!!! LOL!!! But it will at least be better then it was before.

But hey that’s just my opinion. Let us know what you think…

Until next time,

Bitchless

Break Up To Make UP…..How to stop the cycle

First off HAPPY NEW YEAR READERS!!! Second, just so you all know, I’ve decided I’m dedicating myself to at least one blog per week. Not promising a particular day at the moment, but you can expect to see me at least once every week. That said lets get started.

Today’s topic….Break up to make up…..y’all finish that hook for me please. I know you can do it, and not because you’ve heard the song before, but because we’ve all been in this particular situation at least once in our lifetime. Now before I go any further, for anyone reading this particular posting today, who hasn’t been through this, feel free to just read for fun or maybe to prepare yourself for when you are faced with this matter in the future. Now back to it we go:

“Break up to make up, that’s all we do, first you love me, then you hate me, that’s a game for fools”. Says it all right? You find the mate of dreams, or so you think. They’re handsome/pretty, funny, ambitious, great conversationalist, wants the same things you want, I mean the list goes on and on as to how perfect this person is for you. So of course, you go all in. Everything’s great. Dating, honeymoon phase, introducing each other to friends and family, petty disagreements that you end up laughing about before the day is even over, and eager to make up over, mini vacations, stay overs, constant communication, trying to surprise one another, favorite song and movie, etc, etc, etc.

Everything was great. One day as you’re sitting on your couch alone in the stillness of it all, and you’re thinking about all those great times mentioned above you find yourself asking yourself “what happened” or “how did get from there to here”? Here being the exact opposite of where you were in the beginning. Instead of dating each other you’re tolerating a once in a while outing. Petty disagreements are now full blown fights, that last for days, where words you never imagined you’d hear not only your mate say to you but you say to your mate. Mini vacations together turn in trips with the fellas or ladies only getaways. Trying to surprise one another, turns into “I gotta get them something because it’s a holiday”. Constant communication, becomes they talk, you react, or you talk, they defend. But clearly no one is listening to understand anymore. So again you ask yourself “how”? Well I’m glad you asked:

What happened was very simple. Y’all got COMFORTABLE!!! What do I mean by comfortable? Well after a while of actually being genuinely happy with one another, something in our twisted unusual brains allowed us to believe that everything that was done to get the person was no longer needed to keep the person. Appreciation for what you worked so hard to have flew out the window and all the good stuff went with it, including your happiness. In its place came basic, ordinary, run of the mill, “this is what everybody does” relationship woes.

In the mist of the transition however, you actually really did find yourself loving your mate. But you also begin to learn some things about them that didn’t tickle your fancy too much. And see this is what we do. When it’s all new and cute almost anything your new mate does is perfect and okay. Hell half the stuff you really don’t like you don’t even notice in the beginning because your nose is so wide open you can’t see the forest for the trees. It’s not until you have reached that level of comfort, that you allow what you knew in the beginning, but lovingly decided to overlook or deem “cute” to now bother you and decide to speak (or scream maybe) how much it rubs you the wrong way. And not only does it rub you the wrong way, you also want him/her to change or stop whatever it may be.

It is usually then that a layer of resentment is developed towards one another. Why? Because instead of discussing the issue(s), with a mindset of reaching an agreement and/or resolution TOGETHER, many of us instead just hold it all in. Well that is until an argument happens and then all the juicy BS comes out. (Side note – ladies I will admit we are more susceptible to this then men. But men in do it as well. They just don’t go back as far as we do). After the first level of resentment is established you find the next level is easier to add on. Example: You two have now been together for over a year. You have spent more time together then apart. So you feel that your partner should know you pretty well. So well in fact, that in your mind you don’t think you should have to communicate with them any longer, they should just know. Why? “Because you should know me by now”! How many of you have said that one, huh? (LOL). Understand me clearly when I say this, no one and I mean no one knows you 100%, expect you. Sure your mate knows a lot about you, depending on how long you’ve been together and how in tune they are with you. With that said, they are never going to get it absolutely right all of the time. And that could be for various reasons, such as the circumstances of the day may have left them off a little. Life has caused havoc to take over and they forgot. Or how about this one….YOU DIDN’T TELL THEM!!! Think about that one before jumping to they should just know you by now. Anywho, now you have another layer of resentment.

Before you know it you have so many layers of resentment, who has room for happiness? You no longer remember what happy even looks like, and as such find yourselves making rash decisions and mistakes that could very well end what was once a great relationship. So what’s left to do…..Break up right? I mean who wants to stay in a relationship where you no longer see the person you originally thought was the best thing since sliced bread. So you both decide to break up. This process may be drama free for some, and crazy for others, but you break up none the less. Now what? Well for many, you go through the break up phase. That’s when you try to do anything and everything under the sun and the moon not to think about him/her, but the more you try not to the more you do. I mean you go shopping and every damn thing you pick up reminds you them. You’re at home watching TV and everything that comes on were your favorites together. You decide to go out with your friends and every damn time you turn around you think you see them walking in the door! And LAWD don’t  find something of theirs in your house, it’s all over!! So what happens next? Come on now…You know what happens…. Some kind of way you two find a way to manipulate yourselves and/or each other into trying to pick back up where you left all. And guess what, there in lays the problem.

Have you ever wondered why or asked yourself before getting back together with someone, why would you want to pick back up where you left off? I mean really, where you left off wasn’t a good place in the first place, which is why you broke up! Why would you want to go back into confusion as if a few days or weeks away from one another solved anything? Or here’s another one: let’s just start over. Really people? You just gonna forget all the BS of the relationship, throw it all in the trash and act as if nothing ever happened and just begin again? Can I tell you something? It is when you allow yourselves to return to a relationship under such circumstances that you find yourself in the break up to make up phase. Reason being is you really haven’t taken the time to solve the issues that causes the break up in the first place. You basically just put a band aid on it when you take your little three day or two week breaks in hopes that it will heal all wounds and pain so that you can start again.

So instead of all of that, try this: here’s what you need to do to end the break up to make up phase, permanently. As two mature adults, you have to be willing to take the time to deal with the root cause of the issue by communicating, and then making a mature decision on how to move forward either together or separately. This my dear friends is called CLOSURE. It allows you to come to a resolve and an understanding on what cause you to reach such a level in the first place. This will also allow for a break up to either remain broke or allow for some real healing to take place so that what was once broken can be fixed for good so that same (or very close to) level of genuine happiness can find its way back, should you two decide to give it one last shot and remain together. Now understand, this is not something that will be successful in any format, if this is something only one of you is willing to do, while trying to convince the other one that it needs to be done. If you find yourself in that predicament, then a final break up is what is needed so that you can move forward and find you someone more on your level and vice verse.

Full Circle: In the end ladies and gentlemen relationships are hard work. Some are built to last and some are built simply to prepare for that one that’s built to last. With that said always keep these principles in mind. Relationships require dedication from both sides in order to work. Never allow yourself or your mate for that matter to become comfortable enough to permit what was once appreciated to begin to depreciate. Never allow the outside thoughts of others to invade the inner workings of your relationship. Make what you want to remain consistent a priority and it will never fail you. And finally always remember your relationship is only as sturdy as the foundation you decide to build it on.

But hey that’s just my opinion. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Bitchless